The relationship is in connection with identity the mirror, in which you can discover yourself. Without the relationship you are nothing. To be is to be in relationship, which is the actual life. You only live in relationship, otherwise you don´t live, then life is without meaning.
So it is not because you construct your identity that you live. You live, and have your identity, in the ability to be self-forgetful engaged in the relationship, and it is the lack of ability to understand this, which causes conflict.
The reason why, that there no understanding is of the relationship, is, that you use relationships to achieve something, become something, to be remoulded, to be something else than what you are.