Nonviolent Communication (Giraffe language) is an instrument of psychic terror

Nonviolent communication (NVC, also called compassionate communication, or Giraffe language) is a communication process developed by Marshall Rosenberg in the 1960s and 70s. As many other self-help direction it is inspired by the so-called Humanistic psychology (see my article Humanistic psychology, self-help, and the danger of reducing religion to psychology).

NVC often functions as a conflict resolution process. It focuses on two aspects of communication: honest self-expression (defined as expressing oneself in a way that is likely to inspire compassion in others) and empathy (defined as listening with deep compassion).

NVC is based on the idea that humans are innately compassionate, while violence (psychological and physical) is learned through culture. NVC theory supposes all human behaviour stems from attempts to meet a small set of human needs. Needs are believed never to be in conflict. Rather, conflict arises when strategies for meeting needs clash. NVC proposes that if people can identify the needs of others, and the feelings that surround the needs, harmony can be achieved.

So, NVC holds that most conflicts between individuals or groups arise from miscommunication about their human needs, due to coercive or manipulative language that aims to induce fear, guilt, shame, etc. These “violent” modes of communication, when used during a conflict, divert the attention of the participants away from clarifying their needs, their feelings, their perceptions, and their requests, thus perpetuating the conflict. The aim of NVC is then to steer the conversation back towards the needs, feelings, and perceptions, until the discovery of strategies that allow everyone´s need to be met. The reasoning is that from a position of mutual understanding and empathy, the participants will be able to find ways to meet their needs without compromising their opponent´s.

NVC advocates that, in order to cultivate a deeper understanding of each other, the parties should express themselves in objective and neutral terms, (preferring factual observations about feelings and needs) rather than in judgmental terms (such as good versus bad, right versus wrong, or fair versus unfair).

While NVC is ostensibly taught as a process of communication designed to improve compassionate connection to others, it has also been interpreted as a spiritual practice, a set of values, a parenting technique, an educational method and a worldview.

The name “nonviolent communication” refers to Mohandas Gandhi´s philosophy of ahimsa or nonviolence. Unlike Gandhi, Rosenberg endorses the use of protective force – the use of force to keep injury from occurring, so long as it is not punitive, i.e., force applied with the intention to punish or harm someone for a past deed. Rosenberg says the desire to punish and the use of punitive measures only exists in cultures that have moralistic good/evil worldviews. He points out that anthropologists have discovered cultures in many parts of the world in which the idea of someone being “bad” makes no sense. He says such cultures tend to be peaceful and do not rely on punitive force to correct maladaptive or harmful behaviors. One example of such a culture is the Semai people in Malaysia.

So, Rosenberg is clearly aligned with Gandhi, Ram Dass and other practitioners of compassionate and non-violent communication. There is in NVC a hidden emphasis on the supernatural. In other words: Rosenberg understands NVC to be a fundamentally spiritual practice. Marshall Rosenberg has, in fact, described the influence of his spiritual life on the development and practice of NVC:

“I think it is important that people see that spirituality is at the base on Nonviolent Communication, and that they learn the mechanics of the process with that in mind. It´s really a spiritual practice that I am trying to show as a way of life. Even though we don´t mention this, people get seduced by the practice. Even if they practice this as a mechanical technique they start to experience things between themselves and other people they weren´t able to experience before. So eventually they come to the spirituality of the process. They begin to see that it is more than a communication process and realize it is really an attempt to manifest a certain spirituality.”

Rosenberg further states that he developed NVC as a way to “get conscious of” what he calls “Beloved Divine Energy”.

The emphasis on spirituality is potentially troubling for both atheists/agnostics and people who adhere to perticular religions (e.g. Christians).

Because NVC practitioners repeatedly seek legitimacy by claiming NVC is scientifical based (that there has been carried out research of the practice and its theoretical basis; that there is evidence of its effectiveness, etc.), NVC must be evaluated as a pseudoscience. Why? In its emphasis on spirituality it can be classified as a kind of New Age pseudoscience (see my article The pseudoscience of New Age and reductionism). And in its way of claiming, that all human behaviour stems from attempts to meet a small set of human needs, NVC is also a reductionism. Rosenberg is for example proclaiming that, “all needs are universal; every human being in the world has the same needs.”

A problem in connection with this reductionism is, that NVC as a result one-sided is focusing on needs and feelings, and thereby is neglecting the important function of thoughts, yes, it directly abjures the thoughts. Feelings are the body´s reaction on the mind (the thoughts). There is always a thought coming before a feeling. But NVC abjures the thoughts. The confusion is that neither feelings, nor needs, can be expressed neutral as NVC is claiming. All feelings, and all needs, are evoked on the background of thoughts; that is: on the background of judgmental terms (such as good versus bad, right versus wrong, or fair versus unfair). Irritation is for example evoked because of a negative automatic thought. You can therefore neither express a feeling of irritation, nor the needs in connection with this irritation, without the implied negative automatic thought (the judgment). But that is what the formal NVC self-expression claims. And in the following oblivion of the thoughts, NVC is actually allowing negative automatic thoughts to speak without control. And negative automatic thoughts are the cause of violence (see my article The emotional painbody and why psychotherapy can´t heal it).

All negative feelings (and a lot of “positive” feelings) are caused by thought distortions. Therefore thought distortions (and the following negative automatic thoughts) should be clarified through critical thinking. Critical thinking is the only tool you can use in order to explore, change and restructure thought distortions (see my article A dictionary of thought distortions).

But NVC not only abjures critical thinking, but thinking as such. And in the following oblivion of the thoughts, NVC is allowing the thought distortions to speak uncontrolled.

A famous phrase of Rosenberg´s sounds: “Would you rather be right, than happy?” Personally I have been met with this phrase several times from NVC consultants, when I am using critical thinking. And always with a triumphant look in their faces. But try to look closer at the phrase. It actually exposes a world-view, which focuses on an interest in finding ways of getting on in the world, rather than an interest in finding ways of discovering the truth; that is: a world-view controlled by thought distortions.

It is by the way interesting, just to comment on the above-mentioned phrase, that many of the highest ethical placed humans on Earth actually have sacrifized their own personal needs, and even their lifes, in the defence of truth, instead of just being happy over having their needs (greed) satisfied. It is after all so, that critical thinking is self-forgetful (=compassionated) in the sense that it is seeking a truth that goes beyond personal interests. Just take Gandhi and Martin Luther King. And take the Chinese dissident Liu Xiaobo, who in his defence of justice and human rights, is taking 11 years in prison (he won the Nobel Peace Prize in 2010). And take Jesus.  

Try to use the phrase on these people. The answer could very well be, that these people rather should have been interested in own tiny narrow egoistic needs, instead of their quest of truth; that it would have been better for these people to use lies in order to get their egoistic needs satisfied, instead of insisting on truth. This is actually what the NVC theory could imply, and what exposes a side of it, that is without compassion and ethical understanding, yes, that it can be used with the direct opposite intention.

So the ancient use of critical thinking within philosophy, and which time after time has shown to be the best tool to clarify thoughts, is eliminated within this theory. The only thing left then, is to rummage about in your own wishes, feelings and needs, where you can be manipulated by any charlatan that feeds your ego; and eventually: violence.

And here the main problem of NVC shows its cruel face. NVC is in extreme way self-contradictory. The extreme is, that NVC ends in the direct opposite of what it preaches. It is a moralizing, violent and manipulative use of language, that tends towards psychic terror.

The reason why it also is called Giraffe language is that the Giraffe´s heart is so big. This "nonviolent" Giraffe language is then put up as an opposition to what NVC is calling the "violent" Wolf language. Rosenberg is often sitting with giraffe gloves and wolf gloves on to demonstrate this. NVC has directly, in an extreme black and white way, made lists of, what is considered as good and bad use of language. On the "bad" wolf side is for excample critical thinking. 

So NVC is antithetical to critical thinking, is based on an inaccurate picture of human nature and has no research to support its claims. Rosenberg´s relinquishment of thinking is based on a failure to aknowledge that NVC requires cognitive work. Rosenberg is averring that, “any time you´re thinking, your chance of getting what you need is greatly decreased.”

Rosenberg is demonstrating a process of critical thinking even if he abjures it. And this “critical thinking” is poisoned by a number of thought distortions, precisely because he abjures thoughts, and therefore the possibility of clarifying them.

And Rosenberg´s understanding of the human condition is reductionist (see my article The pseudoscience of New Age and reductionism). As mentioned is Rosenberg proclaiming that, “all needs are universal; every human being in the world has the same needs.” As Chapman Flack has said, then this means for Rosenberg, that the only thing human beings are ever saying is “please” and “thank you.” Any apparent more nuanced expressions amount to tragic suicidal expressions of “please.”

While NVC ostensible encourages active listening, it rather may encourage repetitive attempts to diagnose the feelings and needs of the speaker. This may result in “apparent listening” which is in fact a deflection of responsibility for action and a lack of authentic presence. An example of what I call The Hermeneutics of Suspicion - see my article The Hermeneutics of Suspicion. It is enforcing a situation of no thinking, of one-manship, using pop-psychologizing diagnosis, and a deflection or refusal of responsibility for action by the person versed in the method. It can be used for manipulation and often creates rancor rather than healing it.

It is interesting that NVC coaches seem unaware of the thought distortion called Priming effect, because they praise the neutral approach, while using a theory, which not at all is neutral. Included is also the thought distortion called Communal reinforcement (see my article A dictionary of thought distortions). 

NVC is a method with flaws used with possible opposite intent in ways and times and places it was never intended to be used. The result is predictably opposite to what intended. It is violent, harmful, disrespectful, especially because it refuses to listen to those who are using a normal language, and especially to those who are using critical thinking.

NVC has harmed friendships, relationships and dear ones by well-meaning attempts to apply NVC. It doesn´t seem to understand that put-downs, ruination of reputation, and emotional torture, also are violent.

Read more about NVC in my article The new feminism and the philosophy of women´s magazines (The new feminism is an active user of giraffe language)